Sylar Season Synopsis
by sorion
Summary: Seasons one through four from Sylar's POV. Complete and utter crack! :3


**Title:** Sylar Season Synopsis

**Author:** sorion

**Fandom:** Heroes

**Genre:** CRACK & PARODY

**Warnings:** Complete and utter insanity! And obviously tons and tons of spoilers.

**Rating:** PG

**Word Count:** 1300+

**Disclaimer:** The characters in this story do not belong to me, obviously, or the show would be even crackier. (In other words: _Heroes_ belongs to the NBC.) No harm intended, no profit made.

**AN1:** For those of you who know the amazingly talented sarahtales' parodies, this is obviously inspired by her style. I couldn't help it. While watching the show, cracky dialogues kept popping up in my head XD

Also, special thanks to Mr Quinto and his excellent performance

**AN2:** This is the result of my over-tired, spinning and apparently twisted brain. Have fun ;)

* * *

**Sylar Season Synopsis**

(wheee alliteration!)

**Season One: Braaaaains!**

FAKE DAD NUMBER ONE: *is absent* But apparently, despite me being a fake dad, that kid somehow got his knack for watches from me. They go tick-tock, tick-tock. Such a lovely sound. Tick-tock.

LOONY MOM NUMBER ONE: *is absent too* But I would like to say that I totally didn't push little Gabriel at all. He always wanted to be special! He wanted it, I tell you! AND HE LOOKED SO CUTE IN THAT PINK DRESS AT THE PEGEANT!

.

GABRIEL HENCEFORTH REFERRED TO AS SYLAR: *grows up to be dissatisfied with his life for some weird reason*

.

SYLAR: *discovers that he can dig into brains – literally* Just so you know. I never swallow, that'd be disgusting.

.

CLAIRE'S MOM: Oh, you sweet boy! You like fluffy dogs?

SYLAR: Yes, I indeed do, Claire's mom. Cute and fluffy. I want one of those when I have a family of my own. Kinda like yours. Only that I'll name my son after your still-husband and might or might not get it on with your daughter Claire at some point. I'm like her biggest fan! Those cheerleaders really are quite _fascinating_! Especially the ones you can't break. I tend to do that, sometimes, but really, I wouldn't ever break Claire. 'Cause Claire is special, special just like me. I'm really looking forward to meeting her brain… I mean, _her_. *starry eyes*

CLAIRE'S MOM: You're kinda creepy.

SYLAR: No shit, Claire's mom. I'm the token murderous lunatic on this show. And as such, I will have the biggest fanbase and all the fangirls at my feet, which means I'll give the writers one season tops until they add some misunderstood and tragic angle to my character. Dig that!

.

LOONY MOM NUMBER ONE: I don't know if you're a monster or the president. But I hate you! *makes crucifix with fingers*

SYLAR: *accidentally kills loony mom number one* NOOOOO! Mummy! Ooh, but I could totally paint another future-predicting painting with that pretty red color on the floor.

.

PETER: I will stop you, bad guy! I'm the hero!

SYLAR: Screw you, bad guy, _I'm_ the hero!

HIRO: Ha! Check out my name. I'm the one and only SUUPAA HIRO! *kills sylar*

SYLAR: *dies… temporarily* I'll be back. Think of the fangirls.

* * *

**Season Two: Bwuh?**

SYLAR: *is mostly absent*

ME: *is majorly bored*

.

SYLAR: *makes up for it with totally uncreepy make-out session* (like, _totally_ uncreepy)

ME: *is vaguely mollified*

* * *

**Season Three: Family Man**

_In which Sylar is slightly unstable. No, I am not referring to his murderous tendencies…_

.

LOONY MOM NUMBER TWO: Hi, baby! I'm your mother. Do as I tell you! Oh, and I totally love you just the way you are!

SYLAR: Mummy! :D

LOONY MOM NUMBER TWO: And look! This is your LITTLE BROTHER PETER! You boys play nice.

SYLAR: Yay! :D

LOONY MOM NUMBER TWO: My little angel is completely misunderstood. All that boy needs is a stable and loving environment! There, honey, that nice man going by the name of CLAIRE'S DAD who is absolutely not going to try to kill you the first chance he gets because you dug a little too deep into his daughter's brain is the perfect guy to balance you out. Though, to be fair, since just about any other option on this show would have been as crackpot as that one, my choice is entirely justified.

.

SYLAR: Watch in awe my rad rendition of _good FBI agent, bad FBI agent_! Coffee?

.

_~future trip~_

FUTURE SYLAR: I am the perfect parent! See? I make waffles for my son and feed the dog.

FUTURE SON NOAH: Daddy! Uncle Peter is here!

PAST PETER IN FUTURE: *stares* Gabriel?

FUTURE SYLAR: Oh, for Pete's sake, Noah. I mean, Peter. I mean… Jesus _Christ_, all those Bible names are giving me a headache. I feel like blowing up.

***KABOOOM***

_~end future trip~_

.

FAKE DAD NUMBER TWO: Son, don't listen to the crazy bitch! Listen to me, I'm your father!

SYLAR: Daddy! :D

FAKE DAD NUMBER TWO: Oh, and get rid of your brother. Don't worry, you have another one.

SYLAR: Okily dokily. *throws little brother out window* I may or may not have broken the fall a bit. The judges are still out on that one.

.

MARY L. SUE: What with all the family finding you totally neglected the necessary angle of getting laid, which, let's face it, totally belongs into that category.

SYLAR: Fair enough. Let me introduce you the pleasant pain of hard floors.

CLAIRE'S DAD: *pervs through window. _The. Whole. Damn. Time._*

.

SYLAR: Seeing as I'm supposed to have a kid in the future, maybe we should try this more permanently. You know, practice makes perfect.

MARY L. SUE: Done deal.

SYLAR: On the other hand, old habits die hard.

MARY L. SUE: Dammit! *dies*

.

SYLAR: *blinks* Check this, I lose track for like half a fucking episode or something, and already my newly found dad's not my dad, my newly found mom's not my mom, my newly found brother's not my brother, I killed my newly found girlfriend, and now I'm apparently playing super-nanny to some other newly found psycho psychic to find my dying asshole real dad who killed my real mom right after selling me during lunch as a kid. FML!

But at least I got this really fluffy bunny out of the deal.

* * *

**Season Four: Keeps Gettin' Better**

_(google the lyrics and try to tell me that's not totally Sylar's theme song XD)_

.

WRITERS: You think he had an identity crisis in season three? You ain't seen nothing yet! Just watch us top that! MUAHAHAHAHA!

SYLAR: I don't know what's worse, being a politician who'd rather be a fighter pilot, an incorporeal lunatic, or leading the life of a really boring cop (though I do get to bang his wife). Fuck this. I'll just join the circus.

.

MATT THE TELEPATH: You want me to _what_?

SYLAR: Delete my hunger for brains! It all makes sense! I could totes be a hero! All you have to do is put me on some mental slim-fast, since brain food is the source of all evil for me. Kinda like with you and chocolate muffins, stud.

MATT THE TELEPATH: OMG, slut, are you calling me _fat_? *locks sylar in his personal nightmare* Take that, bitch.

.

SYLAR: Apparently I'm the only human left. I wonder if all those people who said they wouldn't sleep with me even if I was the last human were lying…

LITTLE (NOT) BROTHER PETER: There you are! I've been looking for you.

SYLAR: You'll do.

LITTLE (NOT) BROTHER PETER: Wut?

.

SYLAR: So I've been stuck in here for three years and then another two with you. Not that I don't appreciate your company, but, _dude_!

LITTLE (NOT) BROTHER PETER: Shut up. I'm still mad at you because you killed my real brother.

SYLAR: I feel the unquenchable urge to spout the most random and ridiculous line in the history of random and ridiculous lines.

LITTLE (NOT) BROTHER PETER: … … I'm kinda afraid to ask.

SYLAR: *sighs* Okay, here goes… I can't bring your brother back, but I can sure as hell swing a sledgehammer.

LITTLE (NOT) BROTHER PETER: *blinks*

SYLAR: …

LITTLE (NOT) BROTHER PETER: Uh…

SYLAR: Okay, I felt really stupid saying that. I think I lost some brain cells. Possibly the evil ones.

LITTLE (NOT) BROTHER PETER: Let's blow this joint and save the world.

SYLAR: Fuck yeah!

.

SYLAR: I have another ridiculous line…

LITTLE (NOT) BROTHER PETER: Since the two of us just saved the world, I'm feeling magnanimous. Go ahead, bro!

SYLAR: It's a brave new world!

LITTLE (NOT) BROTHER PETER: *blinks* Put an end to this season before you come up with another one, please.

SYLAR: End Season Four!

* * *

**Season Five: Preview**

SYLAR: I've decided to become a brain surgeon. I obviously have all the qualifications. Yum!

.

**End ;)**


End file.
